The Large Chocolate Shake To Go Person

I recently referenced the “Large Chocolate Shake To Go” person in one of my tweets and it elicited several questioning looks. It’s been awhile since I told the story, so I figured I would drop it here for posterity and clarity. 

Imagine, if you will, a scorchingly hot day on the USC campus. I’m just leaving Claire Bono’s CS410 Compilers class and I have 10 minutes to make it across campus for my next class. I decide to make a quick stop at the Carl’s Jr on campus to grab… A Large Chocolate Shake To Go

The lines are deep, but I’m just asking for a large chocolate shake to go so it’s not like my order will take a long time so I wait in line. I finally up to the front and I say: 

Me: I’d like a large chocolate shake to go.

The clerk responds slowly and says… 

Her: Would you like…. chocolate, strawberry… or vanilla?

Now I’m obviously a little startled because I just told her what I wanted. But hey, it’s loud, maybe she didn’t hear me properly. I’ll tell her again. 

Me: I’d like a large chocolate shake to go.

The clerk responds in the slack-jawed manner we’ve all become accustomed to… 

Her: What size would you like?

Ok, dammit. Now this time she heard me and she’s just being stupid. I refuse to play her stupid little game and so dammit I’m going to repeat my order. 

Me: I’d like a large chocolate shake to go.

and ladies and gentlemen, I SHIT YOU NOT but the clerk …. without a hint of sarcasm… merely armed with the mind-numbing stupidity that comes with a fast food job said to me: 

Her: Will that be for here?



That day the concept of the Large Chocolate Shake To Go person was formed. It is a label applied to someone so epically stupid or mentally vacant either by choice or as a defense mechanism against a soul-crushing job that they cannot understand the simple request for a Large Chocolate Shake To Go.